Friday, August 1, 2014

Seven of Campbell Brown's Funders Come Clean

Campbell Brown's courageous stand to take on teacher tenure protections has recently come under some fire because her Partnership for Educational Justice has refused to state publicly where its funding is coming from.  Now, Campbell Brown is no dummy; she is a graduate of the same prestigious Regis University that provided many of the top advisers in the Bush administration.  As Ms. Brown said on The Colbert Report, she knows that letting the name of those funding her out could leave these billionaires subject to payback from public school teachers.

Fortunately, a group of Campbell Brown's supporters have stepped forward, and they represent a magnificent seven of the titans of American industry:

Cyberdyne Systems:  Cyberdyne Systems is headquartered in Sunnyvale, California where they were involved in the Vergara lawsuit to strip teachers of their tenure protections.  A spokesperson for Cyberdyne told us, "We've been happy to support Campbell in trying to end an antiquated teacher model.  We believe our own Skynet will dramatically change education in the next five to 10 years, and we can't have old protections from the time when workers used to be exploited slowing us down."

Luthor Corp: Obviously, one of our biggest tech companies, Luther Corp CEO Lex Luthor reportedly was very moved by the movie Waiting for Superman and got involved in the reform struggle after that.  Luthor was quoted as saying, "Waiting for Superman is just preposterous.  He's not even human.  He's a menace.  Oh yes, and teachers don't need that tenure thing.  Now leave me alone."

SPECTRE Corporation: SPECTRE has been around over 50 years and helped to shape the destiny of the world we live in today.  CEO Ernst Blofeld has built a considerable fortune, which he has been happy to donate to the causes he believes in like education reform.  Mr. Blofeld told us, "I manage many employees.  When I am not happy with them, I dispose of them, or I should say terminate them.  Yes, terminate them.  That's a good one."

Tyrell Corporation: At the forefront of human genome research, Tyrell Corporation CEO Dr. Eldon Tyrell has been a big proponent of expanding STEM in schools.  Tyrell Corporation released a statement saying, "When something gets old, you replace it.  Why shouldn't this apply to people?  Why not teachers?  You can get a new younger teacher who will be just like the old one, but cheaper."

Los Pollos Hermanos: Los Pollos Hermanos might seem out of place in this listing of technology companies, but owner Gus Fring has been a philanthropist for years.  Since being welcomed to this country from his native Chile, he has been a strident supporter of law enforcement and education.  Mr. Fring told us, "It is almost impossible to fire teacher.  I know because I once tried to get rid of a chemistry teacher and every time I thought it would finally happen; he'd pull another stunt, and we'd have to keep him around."

Oscorp: Oscorp is a tech form owned by maverick CEO Norman Osborn whose son Harry attended public school.  When asked about teacher tenure, Mr. Osborn called it laughable and then proceeded to laugh for the next 4 minutes. 

Soylent Corporation: Soylent Corporation has been providing school lunches for over 50 years.  CEO William R. Simonson said, "Look, it's no shame if a teacher simply gets too old to do the job, we love hiring former teachers.  You could even say we eat them up.  We'd love to have more teachers in Soylent, but not in the classroom."